Have you ever felt of

Have you ever felt of being afraid to confess your feelings to a person? Well if yes we both felt the same situation. I was a bargirl in walking street before the lockdown. Though there was a lockdown i had guest last March 18,2020 I met a half Japanese and half Filipino he was so cool and handsome to think of it he might be around 28-35 years old. I like the way he smile I like the way he talks. Love those brown eyes of him. He jokes a lot we had fun. I know I’ll be with him only that night but, I wished that time would stop so I can be with him longer. We were staying at his Friends house. We drank Jack Daniels. It was fun and felt like I’m floating at the clouds while I was with him. We got a bit drunk I was afraid to tell him I liked him. And the moment he said ” if I will have a girlfriend I dont want a girl who works at the bar and ob girl” When I heard that it hurts inside me but, what was I thinking I know that no guy likes to have a girl that works at the bar. And I asked him “what if the girl chose to stop working at the bar just for you to like her too?” Then he answered me ” how will i be sure that she will stop” I did not answer back anymore and stay quiet. I knew that no matter what I tell him it wouldn’t change his mind. After drinking we didn’t even had sex though I tried to seduce him but, he wouldn't want to do it. We just lay on the bed together and cuddle til we fell asleep. I woke up in the middle of the night and got thirsty i drink a cup of water and sit for awhile on the chair. He woke up as well he apologize for gettong drunk. I said it was okay. We looked at each other eyes and started to kiss. The kiss was sweet and passionate but it was just a kiss for him. We just kissed and nothing else happened next. The next morning we had breakfast together. After we ate breakfast we toke a shower. Then he sent me home ofcourse he still paid me for the time he gave me 6,000 pesos for long time. He added me on facebook we start talking almost everyday. We wanted to meet again but it was hard because the ECQ ( extreme community quarantine) got strict so as of now we only talk via facebook messenger. He told me I was different among the girls he have met. Because i showed him who I really am my smile my sense of humor and everything. I accept the fact that we can only just be friends and nothing more than that. Well I think its better rather than being a stranger after breakups. I was happy since then I met him. Though now he has a girlfriend who is working in Clark she is very pretty and nice. I wished them a happy relationship before I lost contact with the guy who I fell inlove with secretly.Number 1 lesson don’t ever fall inlove easily to the person you just met. In this is my diary about my last heartache.

そんなふうにして、僕は彼に想いを打ち明けることに、なんとも複雑な心境を抱えていたんだ。彼との出会いは、ロックダウン前のある日、ウォーキングストリートのバーガールとしての日々を送っていた頃のことだった。彼は日本とフィリピンのハーフで、颯爽とした風貌、おしゃべりな性格、そしてあの茶色の瞳に、僕は心惹かれていったんだ。

ジャック・ダニエルズの酒に酔いしれながら、一夜だけの過ごし方にもかかわらず、時が止まって欲しいと思ってしまった。彼の友人の家に泊まりながら、楽しい時間を過ごした。だけど、僕が彼に想いを告げることに、恐れを抱いていたんだ。そして、彼が「もし彼女を選ぶなら、バーで働く女性やOBの女性は避けたい」と言った瞬間、僕の心は傷ついた。もちろん、誰もがバーで働く女性を彼女に望むわけではない。そんな風に彼は思うだろうとわかっていたんだ。

「もし彼女があなたのためにバーでの仕事を辞めると言ったら？」と僕は尋ねた。彼の答えは「彼女が本当に辞めると確信できるかどうかわからない」というものだった。僕は何も返さずに黙っていた。どんな言葉を伝えても、彼の考えは変わらないだろうとわかっていたからだ。

酔いがさめると、彼とはただのキスだったと感じた。朝になって一緒に朝食を取り、シャワーを浴びた後、彼は僕を家まで送ってくれた。もちろん、彼は僕に対して長時間のお礼を支払った。その後、Facebookで友達になり、ほぼ毎日会話を重ねた。再び会いたいと願ったけれど、厳しいコミュニティのロックダウンのため、今はFacebookメッセンジャーでのやり取りだけだ。

彼は僕が他の女性たちとは違うと言ってくれた。本当の自分を見せたこと、笑顔やユーモアを共有したことを評価してくれたんだ。でも、彼は現在、クラークで働く彼女がいるんだ。彼女はとても美しくて優しい。僕は二人に幸せな関係を願った。そして、彼と秘かに恋に落ちてしまった自分を受け入れたんだ。友達でいることを受け入れたんだ。

これが僕の最後の失恋についての日記なんだ。大切な教訓を学んだよ。初対面の人にすぐに恋をするのは慎重になるべきだってね。この日記は感情のこもった経験を表現しているけれど、自分の気持ちと向き合いながら、前に進んでいくんだ。